Ban it, I say, ban it. Ban it. Ban the bikini. Now before all of you go getting your knickers all bunched up and in a twist, let me provide you with a full and detailed explanation.

Bikini underwear for men. That's all I'm talking about. I say let the women's variety alone; they're the ones who must deal with all the issues surrounding those things. Dogmatic statement of the month: men should not choose to wear bikini underwear in the public (Wearing bikini underwear in public? What's that all about? Perhaps there are deeper issues that need addressing here) or private arena. Ban them. Ban the bikini underwear.

Let me give you some what fors. First of all, you wear a bikini to show off a well-toned body (or it should be one of the top three). But remember, these are bikini underwear. Gentlemen, if you have a well-toned body, particularly below the waist, why not just wear briefs or boxers like the rest of us? I know, I know, you definitely do not want to be like the rest of us. Therefore, you're deliberately choosing to wear something that would make you stand out in a crowd. Then again, in private settings, why bother?

I suppose you could make a case for bikini swimwear, albeit a weak one at best. That would be a way you could parade around showing off your well-defined body. Ah, big deal. Who needs it?

Secondly, bikini underwear serve no utilitarian purpose other than to put extra dollars into retailers' pockets. What can you do with bikini underwear that you can't with briefs or boxers? What would you want to do differently? I know, it's not my money and you can spend it where you please but unless you can tell me why you might wear them I won't buy what you're trying to sell.

Lastly, why do you want to subject yourself to humiliation in the locker rooms of the world? Why would you think wearing bikini undergarments would make you stand out in a locker room? Do you really think that by wearing bikini undershorts you can hide your beer gut, balding head, and your gray hair (or what's left of it)? No? Wait a minute, you're not like me, are you? Never mind. Wear what you want. On second thought, don't.

Please don't get me started on thong underwear!